Whether a life is long and full or ended too soon; finding the right words to share at a funeral about that life, is one of the hardest things to do.
It is fair to say that no life can be summed up in twenty-five minutes, or even an hour. But often that is the amount of time allowed for a traditional funeral service by most crematorium and cemetery chapel facilities these days. Of course, for those choosing to hold their loved one’s funeral service at a non-conventional venue, time restraint is usually less of a consideration.
Wherever the funeral is going to be, it is the last time family and friends will spend with their loved one. For these reasons, even more so, it is really important when bereaved people gather together at a funeral; that the occasion is remembered fondly, and they are able to leave with a sense of warmth and comfort.
So whilst it is true that a few words won’t ever be enough to say all there is to say about a loved one no longer with you; there can be such a difference if what is said has a real depth of feeling and meaning.
It is the detail within the life events; the feelings, the sounds, the smells and the sights, which bring those times back to life. If you want to write your own eulogy, or if you are creating one with the assistance of a friend, minister or Celebrant; here are some tips and advice to make the memory of your loved one really shine.
Try to keep your eulogy to between 1000 and 1300 words. The ideal talking pace is around 120 words per minute; so, a eulogy of these lengths at that pace would take 8 to 10 minutes.
Never be tempted to ad lib. Standing in front of a grieving congregation, when you are grieving too makes the task of public speaking even more difficult. Controlling your emotions requires a lot of energy.
Not having a prepared speech creates the risk of you forgetting to say things or going off topic. But more commonly, a lack of preparation results in the eulogy words being much shorter, or longer, than hoped for.
Once you have written down what you want to say: Practice, practice, practice! Read out loud and watch yourself speak. This lets you check for your own mannerisms or habits and see how others will see you.
Example 1
Here are some topics areas which may help you get started. If you don’t know, then ask friends, neighbours, colleagues and other relatives. It is amazing how much insight others can give.
1.What 3 words best describe them to you?
2. List things they loved and things they hated. Food, drink, music, tv, radio, magazine, games.
3. What did they sound like? The accent, softness of voice, the way they pronounced words.
4. Smell – Is there a fragrance, or scent which was synonymous with them? E.g. Baking, coffee, sun lotion etc
5. What did they feel like? Soft skin, warm hands, cold nose, knobbly knees when you sat on them as a child?
6. What did they look like? Any striking features? Eye colour, the shape of their mouth when they smiled. The way they wore their hair or how it was coloured.
7. Any catchphrases or regular sayings?
8. Most admirable quality?
Lasting influence? What is it about them that you will always hold close, never forget, hope to pass on to others?
Have you said their name enough? How many times is enough you may wonder? Well, as many times as you can.
Look at the difference here:
Lists work well too, in place of narrative, as follows:
Annemarie was a force to be reckoned with. But if you really knew her well; then you would have known; that with her brutal honesty, came a great wit and humour that she pulled off quite famously.
Annemarie
A force to be reckoned with.
Brutally honest.
Funny.
Witty.
She was famous for it, wasn’t she?
Now you have completed your eulogy, you have practiced, and it feels and sounds the way you want it to. When you hear it out loud, your memory sense goes into overdrive and you can imagine yourself in those places which you talk about.
Number your pages, so you don’t get muddled up.
Type it up if you can.
Once printed, put it into a folder or staple it together.
Print in a larger font than you usually read.
Add in extra lines and spaces, you could use symbols too. They will remind you to pause or slow down.
Speak slowly, so when you share your words, the listener has a chance to not just hear them but to process them and appreciate them before you move to the next memory.
Be proud of what you have achieved. There are few greater privileges than sharing personal memories at a funeral service.
Print checklist
For any help or guidance on how to write a eulogy, please contact your local funeral director.